My name is Paloma, and I am a 26 year old visual artist. My son is 1.5 years old and his name is Gabe. Filmmaking and photography are my passions and I hope to become a cinematographer and shoot my own films as well as the films of other women and POC. So far, my journey has taught me to trust in myself and my abilities more and not to be so afraid of taking the steps to get to where I want to be. I’d tell my younger self to always be confident in myself and never stop working hard. If I want to do something, don’t wait for someone to help you! Just learn to do it yourself. You have the internet now, so there is no excuse! I would tell women who are where I am, at the very beginning of their journey, to trust themselves above all else. Trust your intuition and your abilities. Ask for help whenever you need to but do not be afraid to try and make mistakes. Making mistakes means you are going in the right direction!
Self-love is one of the most important aspects of my life. The way I treat myself is so important and I am very aware of how I treat myself and I hold myself accountable. Whether I am in a great mood or am feeling sad, I always keep myself in check and trace my patterns back to how I am treating myself and whether it is positive or negative for me.
Motherhood:
I was 24 years old when I had my son, and from the moment I found out I was pregnant to the day I gave birth, I felt a mix of emotions ranging from negative to positive. When I found out I was pregnant, I was already single and not necessarily depressed but I was severely unhappy with my life. I had had a tumultuous relationship with my son’s father and those feelings coupled with my own insecurities and self-judgments had me feeling like shit all the time! It was awful. I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I was also in no shape financially, mentally, and emotionally ready for a child. I feel lucky to have had the support of my family and friends during that time. I felt very sad, isolated, and alone, but I had plenty of support regardless of how I felt about myself.
The most challenging part of motherhood for me has to be co-parenting and making time for myself to get things done. Co-parenting is not easy, but I try my best. Regardless of the relationship Gabe’s father and I have, it is important to me for him to have a relationship with his son and vice versa. I feel lucky to be parenting with someone who loves their child so much even though we are no longer together romantically. In terms of making time to get things done, Gabe is 1.5 years old and I STILL struggle with this! I breastfeed, so it’s hard for me to sit down and do something without Gabe climbing all over me for the boob. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am going to have to learn how to work and concentrate while he climbs all over me because sometimes that’s just how it is! I want to learn to be less in control and just be present and meet Gabe where he is.
My favorite part is being Gabe’s mom overall. I love watching him grow into a little genius toddler, I love to teach him things and play with him, and I love to take care of him. One of my favorite moments is when it is time for bed and he nestles in close to me and breastfeeds/ snuggles himself to sleep. It is so sweet! I try hard to be present especially during moments like that, because I know he will grow quickly and one day those moments will be memories.
One of the biggest surprises about motherhood is how much confidence I have gained from being a mom. I have a hard time putting it into words, but do remember walking with my head a little higher after I gave birth to Gabe. I felt like giving birth meant I could do anything and I was powerful. I am grateful for that feeling.
I consider myself a single mother although I co-parent with my son’s father. I am very fortunate to have the help of my family as well as my son’s dad. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for all of my family’s help. With that being said, I am Gabe’s mother and main caretaker. Once I move out, it will just be Gabe and I. I think I am passed feeling sad and frustrated at what could’ve been in regards to his dad and I. Now, I look forward to being my son’s main caretaker and being single. It has given me a level of strength I had not known before. It makes me consider things more carefully and I always put my son’s health and safety first before anything. Single motherhood looks different for everyone in that situation and I hope we can stop judging one another and be kind to one another for the sake of our future generations.
Mental Health:
Like many people, I struggled with anxiety for many years. I still struggle here and there, but after having Gabe, I noticed my anxiety significantly decreased. I’m talking like “every day, I am outside getting food, on the train, running an errand, and I’m anxious af”. As cliché as it sounds, becoming more present with myself and in the moment significantly decreased my feelings of anxiety. My mood tends to fluctuate a lot throughout the day and this is also something I have been struggling with for years. To be completely honest, I do not have a solution for how not to feel sad or like shit about yourself. I have been struggling for the past few months with feelings of insecurity and self-judgement. I take it day by day and I actively hold myself accountable for my feelings. I also talk to myself a lot (lol) and I break down my feelings to get to the root cause or trigger.
Whenever I feel mentally unbalanced and unwell, I take time to meditate, clear my head, and think positive thoughts. Odds are whatever I am anxious about can’t be solved right away, and if it can, then there is nothing to be anxious about! I am the type of person who likes to suffer alone and silently. I don’t talk to anyone about it for the most part, but I am learning to let go and judge myself less so I can ask for help.
There is a stigma when it comes to talking about our mental health in general, but I feel it is especially prevalent in the mom community. If you are brave enough to speak about your mental health issues, people judge you harshly and often times deem you an unfit mother. I think not talking about our challenges with mental health is doing a disservice to our children. The more we talk about it, the less alone we feel, and the more normalized it becomes. Hopefully by the time my son is an adult, this won’t even be an issue anymore.
I would tell moms dealing with mental health to seek out help ASAP. Whether it be through therapy, or dance, meditation, yoga, whatever…seek help. Find other communities where mom’s talk about their mental health and don’t be afraid to be honest and share your story. Be nice to yourself and take care of yourself! Our kids notice everything!
Breastfeeding:
I love breastfeeding so much that I got a job as a lactation counselor. I feel so privileged to have had such a long breastfeeding journey so far and I love to help moms with theirs as well. It is important to note that breastfeeding is not only physically challenging but it also takes its toll emotionally and mentally. Having a supportive family, partner, and friends, can often make or break a moms breastfeeding journey.
I’d say at this point, 1.5 years into breastfeeding, I am happy to say that nursing comes easily to me, like second nature. It wasn’t always easy for me though. In the very beginning my son had trouble latching and my breasts were always engorged. If you breastfeed or have tried to breastfeed then you know how painful and dangerous engorgement is. I often felt helpless, tired, hopeless, and sad when my son would be hysterically screaming and nothing could soothe him. Once my son learned to latch properly, I nursed daily. All day every day. I nursed at home, at the park, at the grocery store, anywhere my son wanted to eat. When I was pregnant, I thought I’d be too embarrassed or shy to breastfeed in public but I never felt that way! Not once! And for that I am thankful. I really had to learn to trust myself when it came to breastfeeding. Often times we think our babies are still hungry/we are not producing enough/our bodies are not making enough milk, and those feelings are usually false. It is important to trust yourself and your body and take care of yourself so that you can have a more positive breastfeeding experience. There are also some instances where no matter how hard you try, breastfeeding just does not work for you. That is okay, too! It happens. At the end of the day, as long as baby is fed and happy and mom is happy, that is all that matters.
Advice I’d give to breastfeeding moms is to trust that your body is doing everything it can for your baby. Trust your motherly instincts. Always remember you are the babies mother! You (and your partner) are the ones who get to make the decisions for your baby. Do not let anyone talk you out of doing something you feel is right for your baby. When it comes to breastfeeding people love to give their unsolicited opinions. Ignore them unless they benefit you! There is a reason the universe gifted you a wonderful baby. Contact a lactation consultant or a lactation counselor at WIC if you have it. If not, youtube is your best friend! Remember, no matter how much milk you can or cannot make, the most important thing is to enjoy what you are doing. Happy mom = happy baby.